The Hoff

My landlady and I communicate through notes. She (Frau Hoffmann - 'the Hoff') is German and as neither of us speaks the other's language very well we have fallen into the habit of leaving notes. I think it's also partly to do with the fact that we got off on the wrong foot. When I first moved in I had problems paying my rent and the kaution (deposit); I thought I had paid the money into her account using online banking. Cara and I went through it together and when I wasn't sure if it had worked I asked the Hoff if the money had come through. She said "Yes, yes," but afterwards it seemed she hadn't understood what I was asking.
A couple of days after this the toilet broke; it flushed itself over and over all night (I didn't know this as I couldn't hear it from my bedroom). I pressed the flusher when I got up in the morning and it stopped but immediately started again. There was an angry banging on the front door so I pressed the flusher again and went to answer it. It was the Hoff.
"Vot are you doing in der bathroom?!"
"Good morning Frau Hoff…."
"Der vater has run all night, do you know how expensive that is?!"
"I'm really sorry; I think it's kaputt, it won't stop".
She barged past me and stomped into the bathroom where of course the flushing had stopped.
"What is the problem?!"
"Er…well, it's not doing it now but it just kept refilling itself and I couldn't get it to stop and…."
She was looking at me with daggers in her eyes but then mercifully the toilet began flushing itself again and her rage subsided (a little). I said I would pay for the water and she said something about getting it fixed and then left. Apart from asking if she'd received the rent this was the first conversation we'd had. Not a good start.

She came up a couple of days later to tell me the toilet had been repaired and to ask me for the rent. I was pretty confused because I thought I'd paid her but how do you explain to an old (mad) German lady that you'd tried to use online banking but it mustn't have worked and you would try again at the next opportunity? I just smiled and said "Rent, ja" a few times, hoping to reassure her that I wasn't intending on squatting in this flat.

The doorbell rang again the following morning; already I had come to dread this sound as so far it had only meant confrontation with the Hoff. Sure enough, she was back, this time to inform me that she had changed her mind about the arrangement and that I was to move out by Sunday. I couldn't believe it! And as I'd been in the middle of cleaning my teeth when she rang the bell I wasn't in a position to protest. I could only say "Uhhhh!"

I think she recognized this advantage and began explaining in a mixture of German and broken English that "the contract meant nothing" and I had until Sunday to leave. It was Tuesday but what did that matter, where would I have gone?! I ran to the bathroom to spit out a mouthful of toothpaste and hurried back to the front door to explain that I didn't have anywhere to move to her but she was already on her way back downstairs.

I was in shock that I had found myself being evicted after only two weeks; I was also concerned has all the furniture I'd ordered from Ikea the previous week along with the huge couch I'd bought from someone at work were arriving the following day, not to mention my mum and sister who were coming on Thursday.

I went into HR at work and told them what had happened; they said they would speak to the Hoff and sort it out, and if they couldn't they'd get "Sven Kruger - he is a lawyer and he's a very large man". That was reassuring.

It all got smoothed over and I paid my rent and deposit that afternoon, making sure it definitely worked this time. Cara helped me write a letter in German apologizing for what had happened and I left it under the Hoff's door with the payment receipts. Later that evening I found a note from her saying "sorry for my reaction but there was a lot wrong".

And that began the note leaving. There was a period where I would come home to find a note left on the stairs most days about minor things like "please lock the front door in the evenings" (this was later followed by a note telling me not to lock the front door quite so early).

There was recently a note advising me of when and precisely what I could put into the three bins outside, along with the timetable of when they would be emptied. The green bin is for recyclable waste, the brown is for bio waste, and the black is for everything else. I soon received another note to say I should put bio waste into a paper bag before putting it in the bin. This I began to do even though finding enough paper bags can be a problem, but last night I got home to another note informing me that I am using the wrong size paper bags!! Jesus! This is getting ridiculous. She had very helpfully left me several small paper bags and said I can get them from her anytime (but where does she get them?). Also I am not to use my washing machine when I am out. Great.

Nothing can bother me at the moment though because finally, after seven months of searching and waiting, I have the first four episodes of season 3 of 24! Zoran downloaded them for me and I watched three of them last night. No amount of notes from the Hoff will disturb me.